Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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