So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
