I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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