I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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