did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize