Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
