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The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
