I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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