She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
