I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
