Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
