You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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