she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
