I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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