life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
