that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
