i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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