Moan for me like Helen Keller
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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