Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
