Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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