I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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