thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
