6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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