wanna go halves on a baby?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
