So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
