Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
