I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
