Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize