Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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