having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
