please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
