i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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