I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
