just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
