the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
