Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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