I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
