My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
