He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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