I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
