one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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