Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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