nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
