just tell him i said nine months
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize