he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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