all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize