stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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