and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
