the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
