Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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