i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
