after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
