i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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