What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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