I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
