i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
